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Transcribed by: Christian Fecteau
Written by Tom Gammill and Max Pross; directed by Tom
Episode no. 79; pc: 515, season 5, episode 15; Broadcast date: Feb 7,
Guest Stars:
Suzanne Snyder - Audrey
Christine Dunford - Saleswoman
Reni Santoni - Poppie
Lane Davies - MacKenzie
Mark Beltzman - Bob
Sunday Theodore - Olive
Sam Lloyd - Ricky
Paul Mantee - Health Inspector
Patricia Belcher - Woman #1
Pamela Mant - Woman #2
Bernard Hocke - Guy in Diner
Eamonn Roche - Waiter
Robert Kino - Ricky's Boss
Tony Edwards - Businessman
[setting: Monk's coffee shop, evening]
(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)
AUDREY: Hum! That was really good!
JERRY: Yeah. Are you full?
AUDREY: Oh no, I've had just enough.
(Waitress brings dessert)
JERRY: Here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry
starts eating) Delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some.
AUDREY: No thanks.
JERRY: You're not gonna have any?
AUDREY: No (with a disgusted face)
JERRY: Do you not like apple pie?
AUDREY: No, it's not that.
JERRY: Well, at least taste it.
AUDREY: No (a resolute &no&)
JERRY: You won't even taste it?
AUDREY: No.
JERRY: Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing &no&)
A little taste! (still shaking) Come on! (still shaking)
(scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's appartment, the next day]
(Jerry and George)
GEORGE: Did she say why?
JERRY: No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head
like this (Imitating Audrey)
GEORGE: Maybe she's diabetic.
JERRY: No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.
GEORGE: Maybe you said something that offended her.
JERRY: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those
moving walkways all over the city.
GEORGE: Like at the airport? (getting excited)
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: That's a great idea!!!
JERRY: Tell me about it!
GEORGE: We could be zipping all over the place.
JERRY: They could at least try it.
GEORGE: They never try anything.
JERRY: What's the harm?
GEORGE: No harm!
(Elaine enters)
JERRY: (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason
for her not to taste that pie.
ELAINE: Who wouldn't taste a pie?
JERRY: Audrey.
ELAINE: Dump her.
JERRY: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???
ELAINE: (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering
JERRY: You did?
ELAINE: He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's
a sickness.
GEORGE: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just gonna be wishing there
were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing?
ELAINE: I got a pebble.
JERRY: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?
ELAINE: What the hell does that mean?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture)
ELAINE: What? Why?
KRAMER: Do it. Do it. This.
ELAINE: Like... (doing it) Like this?
KRAMER: Oh yeah! It's you!
ELAINE: What's me?
KRAMER: (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They
got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.
ELAINE: Get out!
KRAMER: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs,
dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together, and stuck you
on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.
GEORGE: Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin?
KRAMER: Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his
back with it) Oh yeah...
JERRY: (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the
hell's Kramer doing)
KRAMER: It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one
my couch cushion didn't have any fabric on it.
GEORGE: Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits
KRAMER: Real Boss!
ELAINE: I'm going down there.
GEORGE: I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second
interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking
me out to lunch on Friday.
ELAINE: (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go.
GEORGE: All right. All right. (They both leave)
KRAMER: (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this?
JERRY: Keep it. (implied: please)
(scene ends)
[setting: Rinitze]
(George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)
ELAINE: It looks exactly like me.
GEORGE: It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body.
Don't fall asleep Elaine.
ELAINE: What's going on here? How do you think this happened?
GEORGE: Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh?
ELAINE: You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible?
(the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)
SALESWOMAN: (european accent) You are perfect for that suit.
GEORGE: You think so?
ELAINE: (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from?
SALESWOMAN: I don't know.
GEORGE: You really think this looks O.K. on me?
SALESWOMAN: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.
ELAINE: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from?
SALESWOMAN: I told you, I don't know.
ELAINE: (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody
around here I could talk to who would know?
SALESWOMAN: Why?
ELAINE: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me.
(saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)
ELAINE: (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let
me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is
me at him about you.
SALESWOMAN: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein
is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier dress.
(George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about
their dispute)
ELAINE: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous
dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be
caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George)
I'll meet you outside.
(Elaine leaves and waits outside)
SALESWOMAN: What is her problem?
GEORGE: Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit)
Is this the price tag?
SALESWOMAN: Yes.
GEORGE: Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit)
SALESWOMAN: I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised
sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price.
GEORGE: So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me?
SALESWOMAN: Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to
the other customers.
GEORGE: Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit
further away in the rack)
(scene ends)
[setting: Monk's]
(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)
ELAINE: So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em
KRAMER: How did they get your face?
ELAINE: I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening,
he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je...
JERRY: (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse
me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
WOMAN 1: That's right.
JERRY: And you waved it away.
WOMAN 2: Right.
JERRY: Did you give her a reason?
WOMAN 2: Yes, I was full.
JERRY: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your
WOMAN 2: No, I'm not a psycho.
JERRY: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank
you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and
Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.
ELAINE: We certainly have.
KRAMER: Hey, Elaine scratch my back.
ELAINE: No way!
KRAMER: Come on, one lap around.
ELAINE: No.
KRAMER: It will be a funky adventure.
ELAINE: Kramer, forget it.
KRAMER: Jerry, how about you?
JERRY: I think you know my policy.
KRAMER: I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to
the cashier)
ELAINE: I thought George was meeting us here?
JERRY: No he's going downtown to guard the suit.
ELAINE: He's guarding a suit?
OLIVE (the cashier) : (to Kramer) Do you need some help
with that itch?
KRAMER: Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her
long finger nails) Whoa.
OLIVE: Turn around.
KRAMER: Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and
Jerry watch.)
(scene ends)
[setting: Rinitze]
SALESWOMAN: (makes a guy trying the suit. His name is not mentionned
but it seems to be Bob as it appears in the credits at the end of the
episode.) It fits you perfectly.
BOB: You think so? (she nods and walks away)
GEORGE: (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window,
and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a
second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to
him with an european accent) Can I help you?
BOB: I'm buying the suit.
GEORGE: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off
the suit from the guy)
BOB: Excuse me, do you work here?
GEORGE: (leaving the european accent) No.
BOB: Then what the hell business is it of yours?
GEORGE: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale.
This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday.
BOB: Really? This Monday?
GEORGE: Yes. Now take off those pants.
SALESWOMAN: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.
BOB: Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves)
GEORGE: (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised
sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.
(she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's
really seeing Elaine naked)
(scene ends)
[setting: Poppie's restaurant]
(Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu)
JERRY: I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts
AUDREY: Everything is delicious.
JERRY: You've tasted them?
AUDREY: Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.
JERRY: Oh I see they have apple pie.
AUDREY: Mmm-hmm.
JERRY: You've had the apple pie?
AUDREY: Many times.
JERRY: Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's
my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other
day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts
in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such
a thing would prey on my mind.
AUDREY: Can we drop this?
JERRY: (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know?
(Poppie comes to the table)
AUDREY: Ah! Poppie.
POPPIE: Sweetheart, hello.
AUDREY: Poppie, this is Jerry.
POPPIE: Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)
JERRY: Hello Poppie.
POPPIE: Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner.
Very special. (he leaves)
JERRY: The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)
(Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie
flushes and gets out of the stall)
POPPIE: Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going
to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.
(He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices it)
(back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen
with his hands in the dough, making dinner)
AUDREY: Jerry are you OK?
JERRY: Huh?
AUDREY: Is anything wrong?
JERRY: No, Nothing.
AUDREY: You look like you've seen a ghost.
(Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles
and winks at him)
(scene ends)
[setting: Monk's]
OLIVE: (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.
(Kramer enters with flowers)
KRAMER: Hey. These are for you Olive.
OLIVE: Thank you.
(They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)
KRAMER: Ohh!
(scene ends)
[setting: Poppie's]
(Poppie serves dinner)
POPPIE: Here it is.
AUDREY: Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect.
POPPIE: (to Jerry) Well?
AUDREY: Jerry have some.
(Jerry shakes his head doing &no&)
AUDREY: You're not gonna taste it?
(still shaking)
AUDREY: Jerry.
(still shaking)
(scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's appartment]
(Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch)
JERRY: So she tought I did it to get back at her
GEORGE: Why didn't you just tell her?
JERRY: I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your
father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was
kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.
GEORGE: How could he not have washed?
JERRY: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit.
Turn the water on, do something.
GEORGE: Yeah, just like I do.
JERRY: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's
a cry for help, he wants to get caught.
GEORGE: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other
thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave ti?
JERRY: We haven't spoken.
(Kramer enters holding the spatula)
KRAMER: Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry
throws out the spatula)
GEORGE: Olive?
KRAMER: Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. You guys ought to see the
way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross.
The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all
where anything can happen.
GEORGE: I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty
KRAMER: Is that Elaine mannequin still there?
GEORGE: Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was naked.
JERRY: Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...
(scene ends)
[setting: Rinitze]
(The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He
rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't
find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.)
BOB: Where is it? Where is it?
GEORGE: (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well,
look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has
made a terrible mistake.
BOB: You bastard! You hid the suit.
GEORGE: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless,
I do believe I shall purchase it.
BOB: I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna get you for this. I don't
know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay!
GEORGE: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short.
(scene ends)
[setting: Monks]
(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)
ELAINE: So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin.
You know, possible suspects.
JERRY: Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested)
ELAINE: There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face
for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost
put his finger up my nose.
JERRY: Hum... ok, what else you got?
ELAINE: OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list.
JERRY: Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it?
ELAINE: Because you have an attitude.
(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers)
JERRY and ELAINE: Oh!
JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds!
GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing
sound) So, what do you think?
JERRY: Did you hear something?
ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you
walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)
GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street
noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from
MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
JERRY: So what? What would they care?
GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired
the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make
GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice
quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's
gonna hire?
JERRY: You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts.
(Kramer comes back from the bathroom)
KRAMER: Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.
JERRY: Audrey?
KRAMER: Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.
JERRY: Was it apple?
KRAMER: What else?
JERRY: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!
(a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)
STRANGER: Do I know you?
ELAINE: Hmm... No you don't.
STRANGER: Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with
ELAINE: The mannequin!
JERRY: Oh, I got to see this thing.
(scene ends)
[setting: Rinitze]
(Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another
mannequin)
JERRY: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.
(Elaine goes to the saleswoman)
ELAINE: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in
your window!
SALESWOMAN: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want
ELAINE: No! You take down that mannequin right now, or I'm pressing charges.
(Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.
SALESWOMAN: (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?
JERRY: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,
ELAINE: Uh-huh
JERRY: The Charlie Macarthy hearings.
ELAINE: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?
SALESWOMAN: I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)
ELAINE: Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin)
JERRY: What are you doing?
ELAINE: Just get the car!
JERRY: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.
(They get out with the mannequin)
(scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's car]
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between
them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)
JERRY: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint
gum. I'm dropping you off at work, right?
ELAINE: Where are you going?
JERRY: Poppie's
(scene ends)
[setting: a restaurant]
(George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a
MACKENZIE: Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of
control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people
running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too)
Did you hear something?
GEORGE: No, I didn't hear anything.
MACKENZIE: Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's
quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he
stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything?
GEORGE: No, can't say as I did.
MACKENZIE: Kind of like a... rustling.
GEORGE: Could be the leaves...
(scene ends)
[setting: Poppie's]
(Audrey talks to a client on the phone)
AUDREY: That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.
JERRY: Hello.
AUDREY: What are you doing here?
JERRY: So how was the pie?
AUDREY: What pie?
JERRY: The apple pie you had today at Monks
AUDREY: I'm very busy here.
JERRY: Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it.
AUDREY: You better not let Poppie see you here.
(a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)
Health Inspector: All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.
AUDREY: Uh, who are you?
Health Inspector: Board of health, we've had several complaints.
JERRY: Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)
Health Inspector: Are you Poppie?
POPPIE: I'm Poppie.
Health Inspector: I think you'd better come with me.
POPPIE: What's the problem?
(Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)
AUDREY: What do they want from Poppie?
JERRY: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.
(scene ends)
[setting: at the restaurant with MacKenzie]
(everybody's laughing at the table)
MACKENZIE: You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing?
GEORGE: I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted.
MACKENZIE: No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player.
That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team
here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way,
you're in the wrong place.
GEORGE: No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me.
(The waiter brings dessert)
WAITER: Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house.
MACKENZIE: Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.
WAITER: (to George) The chef said that he made it special for
GEORGE: Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind
a plant: it's Bob!)
MACKENZIE: Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George
shakes his head doing &no&) Well, take a bite. It's delicious.
(still shaking) I insist. (still shaking)
BUSINESSMAN: If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.
(still shaking)
(scene ends)
[setting: Monk's]
(evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)
JERRY: So you didn't get the job.
GEORGE: No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently
JERRY: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have
to say something.
KRAMER: What am I supposed to say?
JERRY: Tell her you lost your itch.
GEORGE: What happened to your itch?
KRAMER: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt
her feelings.
JERRY: Well you should tell her.
KRAMER: I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to
Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No,
no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you.
OLIVE: What?
KRAMER: Uh, well, there's someone else.
OLIVE: Someone else?
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
OLIVE: Who is she?
KRAMER: Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car)
OLIVE: her?
KRAMER: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.
OLIVE: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend.
KRAMER: Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.
OLIVE: Why is she wearing her underwear?
KRAMER: Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me
the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're
gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.
(Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin
while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as
good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand fall out from the
(Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's
car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table, eating
GEORGE: Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?
JERRY: No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie
away for a long long time.
(Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at
her, confused.)
ELAINE: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from
a friend of mine in Chicago who's shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin
that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming
(scene ends)
[setting: The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in &The
Cigar Store Indian& who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV
RICKY'S BOSS: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your
TR-6 mannequin.
RICKY: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.
(end of the show)}